Joyfully Becoming Shameful

by Amelia Kanan

You may have noticed that I have struggled writing this blog over the last half of this year. My posts are pretty general. I’m withholding of details and “the real dirt”. There are a few reasons for this: #1 My social life is nowhere near as interesting as it used to be (which I kind of love, actually). #2 It makes me feel extremely narcissistic. Every time I sit down and force myself to write one of these posts I have this little voice in me that mocks everything I type “Ohhh, hey everyone, listen to me because my life is so interesting and I am so cool and everyone loves hearing what I have to say…” and then there is reason #3…

I’ve been an open book since I began to talk. Telling my stories to everyone and anyone who would listen. I’ve never had much shame, fear of judgement or rejection. That love-it-or-leave-it mentality could be mistaken for confidence but I actually had a negative motivator behind that shameless attitude. I would approach every situation with the belief that the worst was going to happen. This is where the “I’m always ready to die” joke comes from. Whether it’s a metaphor or literal, it can be applied to the way I’ve assessed all of my past risks. Anytime in my past when I’ve put my heart, career and  even life on the line, I was prepared to eat it. It took me a long time to realize that when most people risk, their forethought is success not failure. When someone jumps off a cliff into the water, they don’t think they’re going to die. Whereas whenever I’ve jumped, I’ve literally thought to myself “I’m probably going to die right now…Take a deep breath, you’ve had a good run and this is going to be an awesome way to go down.” And then I would jump and be surprised that I didn’t die.

It was literally a psychotic thought process (thank god I have strong redeeming characteristics to counteract the cray).

Fast forward to present day: Because my experiences, for the most part, have been positive and not only have I not gone down in flames but rather had my fair share of proud moments, it’s all made me become less and less shameless and a lot more reserved…and (hold your gasps) quiet. I now have a little thing called respect not only for myself but my reputation and my work. I care about the work I put out and what that says about me. Also, I care tremendously for the people who I keep close to me and feel uncomfortable talking about them because I respect their privacy.

As much as I love this new…quiet Amelia (I love how that sounds), there is a little problem: I’m a writer, a filmmaker, a photographer and (as much as I hate to own it) an actress and so much of what I do, the projects I create and the reason as to why I get hired depends on me being open, raw and a little shameless. Not only have I worked hard to nurture this career of mine but I also feel a sense of duty to share my process, the struggles and the lessons because that’s how it is when you’re a writer or artist. We don’t know how to not express ourselves.

So, here I am…writing a long ass post about how I don’t know how to write about myself anymore.

I know I’m going to get a lot of shit for this one. But, whatever. Bring it. I will always be a little shameless.