I Owe Too Many People Phone Calls

by Amelia Kanan

City venturing with my students.

I know I’ve been awful about phone calls. I’m not going to say “I’ve been SO biz” or “My life has just been so cray” because we all know how self righteous that is…we’re all busy. All I can say is, I’m sorry and I know you all know I love you and think about you. If it makes you feel any better, I haven’t watched any new episodes for this season, caught up on my reading, backed up my hard drive, seen family members I should see, etc. For awhile, I was feeling a little overwhelmed. Guilty. Scattered. MIA. Drained. But…I think I’m back.

Oh my god, I haven’t written in so long. I mean, I have but…not for this. Not for myself. Not for fun. Well, that’s a lie. I started a script this week that I’m pretty stoked about. In fact, I laughed out loud multiple times while writing it.

Remember when I was unemployed? For months, it was my daily duty to submit, produce, submit, pitch myself, hustle, submit, and holler at strangers for work? Well, it’s paid off. Milly’s hot. The work keeps rolling in and even though the work is across the board, I’m not going to complain. I’m happy with it, loving my challenges, projects, the people I’m meeting and the feedback I get. But, having to switch my brain from portrait photography, to interviewing someone for an article, to filming someone’s story, to editing photos, to editing film, to teaching, to hosting events, to coordinating a gallery space and members…can make me just want to crash at the end of the day and not have to talk about any of it.

One of the things I’ve added to my list is teaching for a program through College for Creative Studies. This semester I have two classes: one is teaching photography to middle schoolers and the second is teaching film/photography to middle schoolers. I’ve only started the photography class and I have to say, it’s amazing. Even if I’m having a shitty day, feeling run down or not at my best…those kids snap me back. They make me laugh and remember how life is so fleeting. I kind of really love them. “Ms. K, you don’t have one single gray hair!” Before I could respond the kid next to him answered for me “It’s because she doesn’t stress out.” Little do they know…

So professionally, I’m feeling good but personally, it’s hard to say how I’m feeling. My focus has been so career oriented that my personal life has been neglected and I know that I’m not my best without it so…I’ve begun to try and implement the things that I miss about my old life. Mostly this has to do with all the physical things I was used to doing and the amount of time I spent outdoors. It’s obviously harder here but now that work is pretty set, I’ll be able to shift my focus a bit.

All that said, I am happy. I have begun and continue to grow into this person I am meant to be. I’m not going to pretend that it hasn’t been or ever gets easy because there have been some awful times and I know that there are some really difficult times ahead but…it’s worth it. All it does is inspire me to keep opening, discovering, experiencing, feeling, talking and pushing.

I miss you all and I know it isn’t a phone call and this is a bit narcissistic. “Ohhh, so many people want to know about me and I don’t have time to call you all back so…I’ll write a blog post”. It’s cheap, I know and I apologize but…it’s the best I can do right now so deal with it, ya’ll. Whoa, I’ve never said that word, let alone typed it and I feel a little dirty. I do want to hear about your lives, laugh, hear your voices and break it down and once my life finds a more consistent rhythm, I’ll be on the horn…hollarin’ at ya’ll…wow, now I feel extra dirty…just how I like my martini’s.