The World’s Loss

by Amelia Kanan

I know I didn’t know her as well as you but…I just feel so sad. I got your text in the middle of the night when I got up to go to the bathroom and couldn’t go back to sleep because of it. “She died”. I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t even want to call you to talk about her. I just kept seeing her face. Gaunt, skinny and lifeless. Even though the last time I saw her she was healthy. My brain couldn’t picture her healthy and in a way, I wanted to hold on to that image. As if, that would help grieve for her or connect with her. Then, I felt like she wouldn’t want me to see her that way…so I tried to rid it from my mind. It was stuck. I tried to read this book I’m in the middle of, about some guy building a school in Pakistan. That didn’t work, I just found myself have to reread the same page over and over again because, I was so fixated on this morbid scene.

I remember the first time I met her. She was so sweet and I felt like I had known her all my life.  She had such a strong light that shined from inside her. When I laid on her massage table and she hovered her hands above my body, I felt this warmth without her even touching me. The next time I came, she invited me to come early so we could have time to chat and catch up. I was so excited and felt honored because she seemed like one of those…untouchables. I wanted to know her and be close to her but didn’t even feel worthy of that because her presence was so full of goodness. I, of course, came early and we drank tea and talked about how we both had consciously decided to strive for constant enlightenment and bettering ourselves as humans in this life, and nothing else. In that moment, she became one of the very few people with whom I have ever had such a profound connection. In that moment, I knew we were supposed to know each other.

I’m not sad for her I know she’s so much better off than anyone of us. I’m not even sad for myself because I feel like she can be even closer to me now. But…I am sad for this world. This world that’s so full of horrible human beings, selfish hearts and brains filled with Us Weekly. Today, our world became darker because of her exit and without her rays of positivity, intuition, kindness, sensitivity, gentle spirit and advocacy for betterment, our sun has now become dimmer.