The Write Stuff (i’m at a loss for titles today…)

by Amelia Kanan

One of my favorites from wedding.

I’m supposed to be having a session with my writing partner Steve right now. And as he sits in his office working on his task, I’m sitting on the other side of his wall updating my blog. He yelled “I can hear if you’re typing or not” 5 minutes ago when I was on Facebook so, since I needed to make the appropriate sounds of me working, I decided to update this. There’s so much, just writing wise, I should be working on: this play that should have been done a month ago, a film short, my short stories of love, my short stories of my day to day experiences right now, yadda yadda yadda but #1 I’m absolutely exhausted #2 I feel guilty I haven’t updated this blog and #3 I feel like I have nothing to say (as myself or as any character I’m supposed to be writing for).

I have a really hard time switching my brain. It’s like I’ve been in this mode of getting work-so my writing voice has been serious, needing to pitch myself, be persuasive and professional, blah blah blah. My brain has to been switched to consumption mode, researching, trying to make myself relative to different industries. My creative waves have been powered down for the time being, which isn’t very good either. Two weeks ago, I photographed a wedding and felt odd because I hadn’t been shooting that much. I had a tinge of anxiety the day before because I realized I hadn’t picked up my camera in two weeks and there I was, responsible for someone’s lifelong memories. Everything went well and thankfully, after a week of editing, walking away then coming back and editing more I was fairly happy with them and most importantly the bride, groom, Grandpa and best man loved them! Huge relief to me, being my own worst critic. It’s like I have these two very different creative careers to give attention to and balancing them can sometimes feel impossible.

Once the photos were done, I spent a day writing, just for myself and not for anyone else and had a great time creating something really great HOWEVER, I felt guilt that I hadn’t followed up on any jobs in two weeks so….I stopped and refocused to the job market.

So, this week (among having obligations every day/night this week) it’s been back to the job search and writing cover letters for all different kinds of jobs. Steve’s mad that I haven’t been writing because in his eyes, I should be writing all the time since I don’t have a “job”. He doesn’t get it.

Flash to me. Here. Sitting in Steve’s new office (he’s so proud, he had to show it off), drinking ice water that smells (like freezer burn) and smiling at the other people who work here, hoping one of them stops to talk to me (especially this guy Patrick who I just met because he built this wood built-in cubby/booth table that I’m sitting in and I am so impressed and kind of want to holler) because I do not feel like writing. Actually, I would love to take a nap.

Okay, maybe this was just my warm up. Touching base with myself and giving me a chance to ease me into the process. Uh ohh, my 30 min. are up and Steve’s ready to hear what I wrote. Did I mention he hates my blog? That’s a lie but he doesn’t think it’s very productive. Well, at least I mentioned him. He’s such a narcissist.