New Life Plan: Marry an Old Man

by Amelia Kanan

Just another one of my old man admirers I’ve happened upon.

This morning, say about 11:30am at Starbucks, I struck Life Planning gold. For some reason, I was in a really good mood. I think it had something to do with not having coffee all morning so I was giddy for what was about to go down: Me and a Venti Iced Coffee. I stopped at the condiments stations to grab a straw and only a straw (I’m repeating this because I’m trying to emphasize the fact that I’m off the white stuff…eww, I mean Half&Half). Anyway, I must have been beaming because this older man (when I say ‘older’, I mean early 60’s) said hi and asked how my day was. Then when I responded with “I think it’s about to get much better now that I have coffee”, he laughed and said “Well, with a beautiful smile like that I couldn’t see life being bad at all.”

This exchange not only sent my ego soaring but it got me assessing my life plans. Did I mention how good-looking this older gentleman was? And, I mean, 60 isn’t that old…right? Don’t worry, I’m not about to start Facebook hollering at handing out my phone number to AARP members but…I do think there is something to be said in dating men that might be significantly older than me.

#1: I LOVE history.

#2: They might have kids and/or grandkids and I think I would be a really great step mother and an even better young grandma. Not to mention, I’ve already planned out how I would be with my older husband’s ex-wife (I’d be nothing but warm and sweet).

#3: Older men like telling stories and I like listening to them.

#4: Body wise, they’ve experienced the downer physical signs of aging so since my body and skin are younger and softer than their old skin, that alone is attractive to them so they might be more forgiving of my other physical flaws.

#5: Older men have had a lot of experience in relationships and if they’ve been divorced, they might remember the bad stuff more than the good so, as long as I am good in the ways their ex was bad, I’ll be solid.

#6: They’re from a totally different generation, a generation where “being a man” is something that is defined sure, by stereotypes but stereotypes that I don’t mind like: a man takes care of his woman by protecting and providing and a woman takes care of her man by nurturing and nesting.

#7: I’ve always gotten really good feedback from older men…they always compliment my looks, I can always make them laugh and flirting just comes really easy for us.

Don’t worry, as eager and easy as I sound I still have standards. For instance, I would have to be physically attracted to him, he would have to be a divorcee as opposed to a widower (because I could never be as good as his dead wife) and whether he was retired or independently wealthy, he would have to have some sort of daily commitment/interest/project going on because there is no way I can be responsible for someone else’s daily interests.

Watch out, Gammy, you’ve got some competition coming at you.