Too Tired to Sleep

by Amelia Kanan

I’m jealous of myself…sleeping like a baby in the middle of the day without a care in the world. (Note: I was actually at work when this was taken…those were the days.)

I can’t sleep. Even though my eyes are struggling to stay open my pulse is high, I keep tossing and turning. Ugh, I’m hot as hell too even with my window wide open and my ceiling fan on.

Damn my anxiety.

There are a few things at play in this old head of mine:

1: My growing concern over dark circles under my eyes. I didn’t think they were that bad until my mom said something the other day. “Honey, you look like you have a black eye.” “Ugh, it’s my stupid genes that you indirectly gave to me through you choosing to have children with that man.” My dad’s ears perked up. “Are you guys talking about me?” “NO!”

Anyway, I today I googled how to help these black eyes of mine and I already do everything except for a two of them. Those suggestions which I tried tonight: 1: Press firmly with a cold damp towel on your eyes for 15 minutes a day (it’s really hard for me to lay still like that for 5 minutes, let alone 15). 2: Sleep on your back with multiple pillows under your head (I’m not sure if I just love every other position other than my back or if it’s just a mental block because I am supposed to do it). Regardless, I gave up after an hour but now keep thinking “Great, I guess I’m just going to have puffy, black eyes which is just another thing for me to add to my list of things I don’t like about myself.”

2: I’m really excited about my CBS article that gets posted tomorrow. But, just because I’m excited doesn’t mean I’m confident in how good it is. It’s nerve racking to have your out there, without feedback from someone…anyone. Not to mention my editor doesn’t even edit my stuff. I self edit but by the time on done writing it, my brain knows what I mean so my eyes forgive the errors. It’s frustrating because I take this weekly post so seriously, I put a lot of effort into it (one day I’l write a post about the behind the scenes), not to mention I truly enjoy it, have this flame lit inside me for it and feel like there’s really something to what I am doing. And although I know, if nothing else, I’m building a portfolio with a credible name attached to it…it’s just really frustrating.

3: I need to start raking in income. I can’t do anything. Go anywhere. Have fun in a normal way. Plus, on the real front, I have bills I need to start paying, doctor’s appointments to go to, people that want me to visit, an apartment that I’d like to get and this list of things I need just keeps growing, yet I have zero funds to begin crossing things off. Week after week, I send things out, do my follow ups, ask people, contact strangers and here I still am…chugging.

So…I guess this is why I can’t sleep.

Can I tell you that I have been in bed since 10:30? That’s almost three hours of no sleep. Okay, here I go again. To attempt my slumber. Wish me luck. No, you know what? I don’t need it. I can do this. Mind over matter. Deep breathing. Positive thoughts. Relaxed muscles. And guess what else? I’m going to sleep in any position I want without feeling caring about my eyes.

I’m going to be really upset tomorrow morning if I wake up with bags under my eyes.