This Man

by Amelia Kanan

Me and my Pepe

I have this man in my life.

Our bond was instantaneous. We loved incredibly hard, from the start. Maybe even a little too hard. Actually, definitely, too hard for me. Not even a year had passed when I, for no reason, broke off communication. I felt disgusted and angry with him and for no apparent reason. Little did I realize, what my issue was and like so many girls and women alike, I felt scared. I wasn’t ready and I didn’t believe that someone could know everything about me, all my secrets, all my flaws and all my ugliness and still be able to love me so much.

This man pants-ed me in his parents’ kitchen. His parents, who I had just met for the first time. Of course he had no way of knowing that I was flying free under those old sweat pants (aka no underwear) but that isn’t an excuse. I ran so fast up the stairs, into his sister’s (who I hadn’t met yet) bedroom, locked myself inside and hid, crying underneath a pile of comforters. It took 45 minutes and a bribe that included ice cream from Bella Gelateria (the best ice cream in Vancouver, B.C.), movies, and unlimited hugs and snuggles for the rest of the night to get me to unlock the door. He hates snuggles so, I budged.

This man has seen me drink chocolate milk, eat ice cream sundae’s, french fries, pizza, fast food and Applebee’s and yet, still never judged me.

This man has seen me cry, the ugliest of cries over the most irrational worries. He’s listened to me cry and rant about “Ten years from now…” and “You have no idea how badly I hurt inside” and “If you love me this much, who else will??”

This man has had to prove himself  and his love for me too many times. Ricochet-ing questions, tears and comments like “Just say it, I embarrass you, don’t I??” or “You love her more because she’s prettier don’t you??” and “It’s ok, I get it, you don’t believe in me…”

This man has been forced to deal with my own reckless choices. Fielding phones calls and hearing my voice on the other line saying things like “I have no idea where I am but there’s this guy who said he could take me home and he’s so cute…” or “I think I drank to much but I’m ok except…I’m lost…and…driving….”.

This man has stayed close to me through all my new phases, friends, jobs, philosophies, “transformations” and cities.

This man has become a part of my family-my ridiculous, irrational and very unorthodox family. Not only does he genuinely enjoy their company but he sticks up for them, chooses to see them for their strengths rather their weakness and  loves them for everything they are.

This man has been a witness to my bitchiness. He’s watched me stoop so low, heard me spew the cruelest of words to the most underserving people and watched me make fun of the weak…Although he strongly voiced his opinions, he still loved me through it.

This man has been there through laziness, fitness, pathetic-ness, success, wallowing, despair, hopelessness, euphoria, and just day to day, boring life.

This man has travelled with me, confined in a small space for hours/days on end and still wanted to be around me at the end of it.

This man has slept with me through the worst: My drunken snoring, my anxiety-teeth-grinding , my I-want-to-stay-up-and-talk-all-night, my “I think I’m going to be sick” as well as my-I-have-to-go-to-the-bathroom-every-hour nights. Not to mention, he’s been more than happy to wake up to my make-up smeared and crust filled eyes, bad breath and “I have to tell you about my dream last night” attitude.

This man has not only heard me fart but he has also actually seen my poop and commented on it.

This man has been disgusted by me, burned by me, confused by me, fed-up with me, annoyed by me and so enraged by me.

This man, after knowing everything about me,  still sees me as someone who is beautiful, smart, interesting, addicting funny, sweet, contagious, incredible, lovable and in his own words, someone “who has a special light that’s so bright”.

This man is definitely not my boyfriend nor will he ever be my future husband but he is my best friend. But, because of how hard and much he has loved me, I’m not sure I will ever find or even deserve another person to love me as much as he has loved me.

I love you, Pepe.