by Amelia Kanan
A light bulb went off yesterday. My cousin and I went to lunch with our mom’s and as the two of us talked about are relationship issues, our moms said the thing most mom’s say “Love happens when you’re not looking for it.” Obviously, I thought and rolled my eyes. But after a second, it dawned on me. I can’t remember a time in my life where I didn’t think about men, love, relationships, etc. Even when I was 5 and going to school for the first time which I hated however I was so excited to go every day just to see the boy I had a crush on. I’ve used men as a motivator, since I was 5. “That’s your problem, Amelia”-Thanks Terry (my cousin’s mom, aka my first cousin). It’s true though. All these years and I’ve used men to make me smarter, healthier, more fun, etc. Specific examples follow:
-Going to the gym, I would always choose a treadmill next to a man so I wouldn’t be tempted to stop or walk. Even though he probably didn’t even look twice at me, I felt just enough attention by being next ti him.
-Freshman year of high school I went to an all girls school and my grades suffered because of it. I had no motivation to show off my brains.
-At parties, if there was no one I was interested in, I’d be a lot less bubbly and go home early.
-I’ve only affiliated myself with social circles that contained someone who peaked my interest.
-My tool to memorizing the presidents in grade school was by judging them on their looks and thinking about what kind of life we would’ve had together based on their presidency.
Where has that gotten me? It’s gotten me here, living at my parent’s house at the age of 30 (ok, ok…29). Without noticing this until yesterday, I think I’ve already began to change this horribly embarrassing behavioral pattern (clearly out of being deprived of male suitors). However, I’m hoping that realizing this, I’ll be forced to find motivation within myself. To help me, I need to think of the things I already self-motivate for and apply the self-talk to everything else I’ve man-ivated for.
3 things I do self motivate with:
I was going to write the motive behind them but…for most of them it was because “I have to” or “I love it”. So, there’s my self motivation. I think I’m going to have to work on this one…