I’m a Sledgehammer

by Amelia Kanan

I get that a big reason as to why people love adore can’t-live-without like me being around is because I’m a sledgehammer for people’s walls. I go there and by seeming unashamed to spill my own beans I break a hole in their own wall for them to talk about their messes, their flaws, secrets and dreams. And, most of the time, I like it. I like feeling as though I can be there for someone in a way that no one else can. However, there’s a huge downside to being a sledgehammer.

One of them being, I say too much. This ol’ heart of mine needs to take a crash course in M’ing Your Own B 101. Since I’m not into walls and feel this need to create open pasture relationships, I stick my nose wherever I want (especially when it stinks) and never withhold  my “piece”. Spitting these pieces as often as I like, I end up damaging people I love. And why? Because I care so much I have to hurt them in order to “teach” them a lesson on life?  Who the flip am I? Where are my “expert-in-everything” credentials? I’m not a know-it-all and I don’t want to be one. Not to mention, just because I don’t agree with the way someone is living their life doesn’t make their decisions wrong. Lots of people don’t agree with how I live mine (probably more than half of my friends) but I don’t care. They don’t see what I see, understand what I’m trying to achieve. Just because hearts are kindreds doesn’t mean they feel the same, pulse the same and dream the same. Bottom line-I’m not being a true friend by always telling someone how to live their life, I’m being a therapist, a mom, a boss, a psychic and bully on the playground (none of which I actually am).

The second thing has to do with men. When it comes to meeting a guy that I like, I pick up my sledgehammer and what is more unattractive than a girl swinging a sledgehammer? It’s instinctual though because it’s my comfort. I listen, I ask questions, I tell them weird random things about myself. Don’t get me wrong men like this and for a long time I mistook their eagerness to talk as attraction to me. But their attraction is “I’m-so-happy-to-talk-about-myself-and-problems” way as opposed to a “I-want-to-take-you-home-and-(you can insert what you want here)” kind of way. I’m not going to find anyone by being a sledgehammer.

Thirdly, when you add all this stuff together it literally weighs me down and totally distracts me from what I should be doing for myself. That’s the real issue. I can’t be bothered with other people right now. Immediate friends are obviously excluded but don’t count on me for anything of depth. I just can’t go there. I need to focus, not get sidetracked. I know everyone’s lives are important and I care tremendously but I really need to work on me so I can be a better person.

Actually, now that I think about it, the one wall that I need to take a sledgehammer to is my own.