I’m crazy. Straight up.

by Amelia Kanan

Ugh, I have work to do. Lots of work. On myself.

I hate this feeling and I know I can’t ignore it. I have to deal with these issues of mine rising to the surface, begging me to deal with them or else it will only perpetuate. I hate them. I hate that I have them. I wish I could just be normal.

I put men on pedestals. I surround myself with them and  keep them at arm’s length. I don’t let them see me vulnerable. The ones I love, I’m scared of and I use the ones I don’t care about, to make me feel good.

I’m struggling with my self perception, I’m sure it has to do with my dwindling confidence due to the lack of work and income. I haven’t photographed in a while. I hate everything I shoot. I hate everything I write. My self-criticism is chipping away at the 29-year-old statue inside of me.

Socially, I’m a mess. When I find myself out with new people, it’s like I’ve been let out of a cage and I am loud, sassy and not myself. I feel so lonely but that’s not an excuse because, I always feel lonely. There’s only three people in this world that when I am with them, I don’t feel lonely. Those three people, I can sit in silence and feel alone without feeling lonely. That is my favorite feeling. I’m craving that. Right now, I just feel alone and lonely.

What frustrates me the most is that this is a constant battle. A constant ride between feeling good, strong and capable and then falling down, where I have to climb up again and do it all over again. This daunting feeling leaves me spontaneously stretching, twisting my torso, craning my neck to both sides as if the muscles are the ones holding me back.

When I told someone that I’ve struggled with anxiety induced depression since I was 13, she was shocked. I was so annoyed by her ignorance that I wanted to give her a dirty look and say “You think this funny and bubbly appearance is constant and always? Haven’t you ever heard of comedian’s and their mood issues, you naive idiot?” But, I didn’t. Instead, I said “Well, social facades can be deceiving.” This made me so angry because this woman had been telling me a story about a friend who had some recent tragedy in her life and when I asked “Oh, wow. How is she handling it?” she responded with “She’s fine! She’s just like you, always happy and fun.” and when I said “Well, if she’s like me then she’s probably holding it all in to then go home, hide in her bathroom and cry it out.” I was so angry she thought her friend was fine.

Ugh, shake it off. Stretch it out. Set those negative toxins free.

Thank god for vinyasa, my bike, not talking to anybody, driving with the windows down and cooking new things, like this flour-less  peanut butter cake with honey and cinnamon caramelized apples on top (I’m super proud because I invented it). Even those these are fleeting moments, I need to focus on them. Deep breaths and constant reminders that this is just another part of the process of becoming the best person I can be.

P.S. I’m such an idiot. I just realized it’s that time of the month. Haha. Oddly, I feel much better all of a sudden. Disregard this post. Well, except for my cake.