Little Miss Perfect

by Amelia Kanan

I’m going to tell you a little story.

It’s about a girl I know. She’s very shy. Quiet and reserved. Keeps to herself. Doesn’t speak unless spoken to. Minds her own business.

I met this girl and immediately thought she was the coolest person in the room because she was the only one who wasn’t talking to me. Naturally, I had to befriend her. Know her. Find out how she lives. Is it confidence? Is it wisdom? Is it because something terribly awful happened to her? How can she be in a room, not talk to anyone and not be under a table dying from embarrassment?  I found my hero, someone to mentor my socializing behavior and teach me the ways of shyness, silent confidence and grace.

Well, naturally. things are not as they seem.

Turns out, little Miss Perfect is:

-dumb as bricks.

-has zero personality.

-sleeps around A LOT but doesn’t even like sex.

I love how I find the most insecure and uninteresting person in the room and mistake them as the most confident. (I hate that I just discredited my “I am the best judge of character” badge)

I, unfortunately, may or may not be in a bind with this sitch. Truth be told, I kind of came on super strong to Little Miss because, in typical brazen Amelia fashion, I projected what I was intimidated of onto this girl who is nothing of the sort. Not to mention, I’m at a loss for girlfriends in this city so I thought it was…fate. Yes, fate. However, because of my rash behavior this completely uninteresting girl, who ironically doesn’t shut-up when she feels comfortable around you, now thinks we’re friends. Ugh. I don’t want her. I don’t have time for another project. I know her type. Not that I’ve ever had a friend like her but my friends have and I could never understand why. The pep talks, one-sided conversations, taking care of them when they drink themselves stupid (although they already are), listening to the “He hasn’t called”‘s, telling them they look “sooooo goooood” and being a witness to the embarrassing texting behavior.

This girl was supposed to be MY savior. She was supposed to help me learn how to be like…well, her but, not her (I hope you followed that one). If she only knew. Well, she does because my big mouth told her “You are so graceful and just so perfect. Will you teach me how to be like you?” She acted like she always heard things like that, stupid coy little B. She said to me, “Oh. My. God. You are so sweet.”  Yeah, I am. Way too sweet and obviously stupid, just like you. Now that I think about it, this girl is probably my karma for all the shit people around me have to deal with on a daily basis.

Karma or not, this is definitely a lesson for me. Actually, it’s probably the 5th one this week that has the same moral which is-Keep your mouth shut, Amelia and mind your biz. Ugh. I’ll break that lesson done later. Another day another dollah. (No. That wasn’t the right phrase, but I felt like ending it that way. So, deal with it.) Amelia-Out. (Yeah, I just said that too).