Enchantingly Disenchanted

by Amelia Kanan

Warning: Post may contain adult female posed ideas that may not be suitable to a non-adult female audience. Although, I am nearly 30 and not ashamed to speak openly about certain taboos, I do feel that I have a social obligation to be aware of younger females that might be reading such a post. I feel like Miley Cyrus.

As of late, I’ve found myself in an interesting position. Disconnected to love. I’ve never experienced this before. Ever since I was a wee one, I’ve been a serious monogamist, through and through. Even at the ripe age of 5, I only ever had eyes for one man at a time and because of that those same eyes would unconsciously visualize a future, marriage, babies, Christmas Eve’s, birthdays, soccer games and month-long vacations on the beaches in the south of France (you know, normal life projections) with that one man. Well, I’m so proud to announce that I have changed. My latest venture sparks no such visions other than very…hush hush…visions. I love it. I don’t really like spending time with him, his stories are horribly uninteresting and I want nothing to do with his life but at the same time…I am so attracted to him. Is this how men feel most of the time? Attraction without attachment? Passion without connection? This new perspective on men and relationships is so liberating. I can focus without getting distracted,  knowing that I don’t have to make something work, it’s given me confidence and it makes me feel wanted without the fear over “what happens when he really gets to know me” because as far as I’m concerned, he won’t ever get to know me. He’s not long-term, he’s momentary. It’s like I’ve taken off a huge backpack that was stuffed with timelines and futures and have gotten a serious back rub. This just goes to show that you can change your thinking by telling yourself over and over again to believe in something else. Don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait to be in love but I’m not waiting around for it. I don’t have it, I need to live within that experience and learn what I can from it. Happiness comes today, it doesn’t come “when I have that”. I’m choosing to be happy, with everything I have. Plus, I can’t be bothered right now, this feeling of disconnection is happening so I can get my own stuff done. Because God knows, when I do get struck, I’ll be super devoted to my number one and probably dip out on my own success to create something very important and precious in its own rite. Right now, I’m taking, living and experiencing and I have zero anxiety, no guilt and for the first time ever I’m released from the fear of what will become of me. Here’s to the liberation of women. Damn it feels good to be a gangsta (forgive me, I think I got a little carried away).

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