It’s not fun being an artist, 93.8% of the time.

by Amelia Kanan

You know when naive people say “Being gay is a choice” like, it’s some sort of easy breezy path in life or something. I feel the same about being an artist. I mean, no one chooses this sort of life. Yes, I value my life and love who I am, my characteristics, the things I have to offer however, it’s never been an easy path. Sure I say/write things that are entertaining or take good pictures but I also miss out on lots of normal life experiences because of it. People think I live some sort of charmed life and it couldn’t be more opposite than that. I’m extremely grateful for my life and the people in it and I don’t have any regrets however, I’m not sure I would choose this road, if I had a choice. There are definite perks being someone like me: I have experiences not many people have, I have good stories, everyone loves me the minute they meet me (if I want them to), etc. However, sometimes the bennies (benefits) do not outweigh the neggies (negative).

Some of the embarrassingly uncool neggies:

Being ultra sensitive.

The struggle between logic and emotion.

Always feeling like a child, even if that’s not how I present myself.

The constant hauntings of self-criticism, insecurity and doubt.

Having to overcome the tremendous responsibility I feel to make everyone love me.

Having to sacrifice security and stability so I don’t feel suffocated.

Having to constantly explain myself and even then, not being understood.

Fighting against my instinct to live in a world with extremes.

Being perceived as childish, idealistic, irresponsible, narcissistic and selfish because of my inability to live the way everyone else does.

Closing my eyes to fear and putting myself out there through words, photos and performances-forcing myself to be vulnerable and in the hands of the world to judge me.

Having the idea in my brain that I could very well have to struggle all my life, unless I am included in a tiny percentage of people who get lucky and have success.