Puke and Panic

by Amelia Kanan

As most of you know, times have gotten rough. Maybe my optimism blinded my perception of reality because I had thought by now, October 27, I would have a job. It’s been just about 2 months. In these two months, I have submitted cover letter after cover letter with attached resumes; I’ve contacted people that I want to be like and have met with them, asking them how they got to where they are and what advice they had to offer; I’ve interviewed; I’ve forced myself to remain busy with proactivity; I’ve lived meagerly – going out rarely, eating limitedly, not driving whenever I don’t have to, barely-I repeat-BARELY spending money; I’ve been putting good vibes out by volunteering, helping, being useful, preforming good deeds, etc wherever/whenever I can. It’s been two months of this and it absolutely pains me to admit this but my flame is flickering and getting close to being extinguished. The other day I had a panic attack. After I began to hypervenalate, threw up and hysterically ranted to my brother, ending with the line “I’m just a loser in a van”. He asked “Where are you right now?”. I looked around and started to laugh. Not because it was funny but because I realized how true my statement was. I was laying down, in my reclined driver’s seat, with my crossed legs resting outside the window, parked in my gym parking lot completely drenched in sweat and tears. As I explained the visual, he started to laugh too which only made me cry again. I’m craving my family, my loves, the people who know me through and through, what I’m capable of and can fill my reserves back up. I’m feeling so empty. I’m losing faith in myself, I’m feeling so scared and alone, my confidence is at an all time low and I’m just feeling broken. I had already begun to question things such as “Am I in the right place or is it time for a move?” “What do I really want out of life and can I find that in Los Angeles?” “Is this an excuse or a scapegoat for me just being afraid of something?” I thought things were changing here until I realized, the city is the same but it’s actually me who is changing. I’ve got some life stuff to figure out. Ugh. Life. Amazing but exhausting.