Oh life…

by Amelia Kanan

I have to admit something. I’m scared. Although, my work performance and intelligence are above average it’s my tolerance of working within a box that makes me question things. No matter how flexible a schedule or casual an office environment has been, I still, at some point, get to a breaking point. It begins to feel like a prison. The bad lighting, the same banter every day with people you don’t care about, the witching hour that begins after lunch and continues until the clock strikes 5, etc. Don’t get me wrong, I love routine. However, my issue lies within the robotic repetition. Even when I have to sit still for hours, in comfortable clothes and concentrate on the same thing, while doing something I love, such as editing photos/film or writing, I still have to get up, shake, do some yogas poses, talk to someone, clean the kitchen, water the plants, just so I can do anything other than what I’m doing. Sure, I can do a modification of these things in an office but, for me it’s still an effort. Even just the office socializing. I know most of you think I’m a social person and I’m not going to deny that I’m not. But, just because it’s easy for me to talk to people I don’t care about, about things I have zero interest in-this doesn’t mean I like it or that it doesn’t take something out of me. I can’t imagine, EVERY day, for 10-12 hours having to do this. It sounds dramatic, I know but here’s the thing. I’m bursting with emotion. I’ve learned how to internalize, suppress and calm it down but it’s still there.

I feel like I need to embrace two things in order for me to be successful: #1 I’m a leader and #2 I’m an artist. I feel like I need to embrace that I’m an artist. Bear with me because that could be an extremely pretentious thing to say however, I mean it in a lifestyle/personality sense. I’m not normal. I never have been. In kindergarten I was the only one whose mom had to stay in the classroom for the first two weeks because I had separation anxiety. In 3rd grade, I purposely tucked my uniform skirt into my underwear and pretended it was an accident just to make everyone laugh. In high school, I chained myself to a gas pump to “protest” gas prices. I’ve never done a pub crawl, I don’t have/use credit cards, I’ve quit good jobs due to the lack of fulfilment and happiness and almost 4 years ago, I drove out to California, alone, without any money because it’s where I wanted to be and had blind faith that it would work out.

The economic state of this world does not make this easy however, depending on how you look at it, it can be an aide. Lots of jobs today lack security, loyalty, benefits and long-term stability so no one is safe. All that fact does is encourage me to do what I love, following my heart and create what I can because then #1 I am in control #2 I reap the benefits of my own success and #3 I have my freedom.