I’m not a baby bird but I’m not a mama bird, either.

by Amelia Kanan

Self awareness is a constant job. When are you being too critical and when are you not pushing yourself hard enough? Are you being a realist or just a plain old pessimist? Cautious vs. holding back, settling vs. being happy with what you have, feeling sad vs. wallowing, excuses vs. valid reasons. Sometimes I feel like I’m constantly surveying vague and blurry lines. What happened to just living? Does anyone do that? Being who they are and feeling safe, happy and content within that perimeter? I’d like to be one of those people. Taking life as it comes. I feel as I have moments in my timeline where I’ve been that person but that’s not my default perspective. My default is to search, climb and move on. That terrifies me. Am I always going to be searching? If it’s not one thing, it’s something else. There’s always room for improvement, yes, but when do you get to cruise? I’m craving the glide. I’m flapping my wings so hard hoping the opportunity to soar breaks through, any day now. There are days where I hop around on the ground, hiding from predators, feeling scared, unsure if I can get off the ground. Then there are days when I’m so fueled by the sheer thrill of what’s to come and that adrenaline keeps me out in the hot sun all day, pushing, flapping, trying different techniques and trusting in my strength. What scares me is sometimes I feel like I’ve lost my flock. They’ve already learned what I haven’t and have moved on, migrated, mated and matured. Is this where I’m always going to be? Not quite up to par but not below either? Just, in limbo, forever? I think, that’s my definition of hell. Seeing others achieve, grow and succeed while I just keep trying, one thing after another.